Catching up

It has been a while since my last post - so let's catch up! After my last post we completed IUI #4, which also failed. I wasn't as hormonal that month and I think that the injections had a lot to do with it. (I've heard they don't make you as crazy as clomid) During this cycle my nurses mentioned some options to me if IUI #4 was unsuccessful. Option number one was that I could be referred to an RE and begin further treatment with them or I could have an exploratory laparoscopic surgery done to check for any abnormalities with my reproductive organs, such as scaring or endometriosis. I opted for the surgery because I figured if I was referred to an RE that the surgery would be the first thing they would do anyways and why not do it with my doctor that I already know and absolutely love? My lapy was done almost two weeks ago now and while under anesthesia my doctor also went ahead and completed another dye test on my tubes. The lapy showed that I did indeed have some mild endometriosis that she burned out, but everything else along with my tubes were normal. Praise Jesus! We are praying that this is just another step in the right direction and that maybe, just maybe burning out that endometriosis will help us conceive. I go for my follow up appointment to make sure everything is healing properly on Thursday. I should also begin another cycle this week, so we'll start medications back up then, since I had to skip a cycle to do the lapy.

Let's try something different

IUI attempt #3 was a failure. My emotions have been running wild the past couple of weeks and I have been beyond hormonal this time around. I try to stay positive, but sometimes you just have those down right ugly days. I've had quite a few of those this past week. Its that time in the cycle of emotions, at the beginning of another cycle that you try to have hope again and say "We can do this." and We can get through this.". This cycle we are starting some new medication. We have started 50 mg of Clomid and will take that for a total of 5 days and will begin follistim injections on the 6th day and complete those each day until I ovulate. We may also do another IUI this cycle, but I haven't quite made that decision yet. Just praying for peace this cycle and for that baby we know the Lord has planned for us.

Pushing forward

I was told by my nurse that my last cycle was "perfect". Hmm.. perfect for me would have meant that I was pregnant, but I'm not. However, on a positive note my estrogen and progesterone were the best they've been since I started medication a year ago. I was also the most hormonal, crying mess of a woman too. There were days where I could have bitten someone's head off for no reason and other days where I cried off and on all day. Again, for no reason. I know my husband must have thought I hitched a ride on the crazy train. Because my levels were so good on the 150 mg of clomid, we are trying it one more cycle. Next week we will hopefully have another IUI done, in hopes that we will get pregnant with our take home baby. If not, I will move on to more extensive drugs and exploratory laparoscopic surgery. Praying those won't be needed and our dreams of being parents become our reality.


"Thy will be done."

Our journey continues...

It has officially been 2 years since our ttc journey began. Two years of emotions that I can't begin to comprehend. Since my miscarriage in April, my husband and I decided to take the Summer to just focus on us. It has been exactly what we needed, to just take a step back and stop analyzing every detail of every month. There has still been plenty of grieving, and no doubt there will be more of that to come as what would have been our due date approaches. We have faith in God's plan for our life and know that He has nothing but the best planned for us. Tomorrow I will begin another round of clomid, increasing my dosage to 150 mg. Lord help my husband! I am anxious to begin this journey again and pray that we will get to meet that sweet baby that God has planned for us soon! 

I have prayed earnestly for peace. Peace to overcome my heartache from my previous miscarriage, but also peace of mind for the future. Another miscarriage is a fear of mine that I am sure will be at the forefront of my mind when I get pregnant again. I pray that Jesus takes control of that fear and anxiety and replaces it with trust and hope. Our faith in the Lord has only continued to grow and we truly believe that Jesus has great things in store for us! 

Analogy from Trials Bring Joy

Love this analogy! So true. We can feel happy for you and sad for ourselves.

This blog post is a must read!!

house for sale.

JUNE 27, 2016 | CHELS819

*

I was stirring my coffee when my friend asked the question: “So how are you really right now?”

With the buzz of steaming milk and brewing espresso around me, I admitted my heart’s been a little weary. I touched on how 7 pregnancy announcements from good friends in 3 days drained me a bit. I tried to explain that while my heart was overjoyed for them, it made me a bit reflective of my own journey, which can be a hard, emotional path for me to walk down sometimes.

I could see in her eyes, as someone who doesn’t struggle with infertility, that she couldn’t quite grasp how someone could be happy for someone else but sad for themselves.

And that’s when this example hit me.

Let’s pretend that you and your spouse have decided it’s time to move from your small apartment. It’s time to expand! It’s not necessarily that you don’t like your current place, but you feel ready to embark into a new neighborhood, have the chance to mow a lawn, use a driveway, and have a little more space.

So you celebrate this big decision! You are going to sell your house! You tell your friends, you have a celebratory glass of champagne and list it. It’s time to sell!

Hmmmm. A few days, weeks, months pass. Why isn’t your house selling? You try to stay positive. Oh it takes time! You just have to wait for the perfect buyer! It can take couples almost a year before their house sells! Take a vacation – then it might sell!

In the meantime, friends around you decide they too want to sell their house and move. And you watch and celebrate as they immediately find buyers. It was our first showing! We hadn’t even listed it yet! A friend of a friend asked to buy our house! In fact, some of your friends who didn’t even take care of their apartment sell it right away. Huh?

What is going on, you asked yourselves. You paint the walls, freshen up the tile, and replace the old floors. And yet, months pass by and still, no buyers. Multiple showings, the promise of hope with each one, but a firm and audible NO after every one.

In the meantime, you’re invited to house warming party after house warming party to celebrate your friend’s new home. You are thrilled for them! What a beautiful new kitchen! Lawn! Bathroom! Is that a walk-in closet?? And you wonder what is wrong with our apartment??? You bring the wine, send the congratulations card, help move the boxes, all while dusting off your “for sale” sign. You pack away the towels you bought for a new bathroom. It hurts too much to look at them each day.

Do we try to get used to staying here forever? You begin to ask yourselves how you should approach this limbo. What does the future look like? Do you apply for that new position knowing it would be across town, near the city you want to move to? Do you redecorate the space and plan to stay there? Oh how your hearts yearn to be in a new place – and yet still, all the showings result in nothing. No. No. No. No. No. No.

So you hire a new realtor. The one who sold your friends house in just 1 day! And your heart breaks as he tells you that you may never sell your home. You see, because there’s this one part of the inside of a wall that is damaged. It’s not really your fault, but it’s your home and because of it, it may be a little harder to sell it.

How did I not know? What can we do to improve our chances?! He provides you with a list of things to do and you eagerly dive into them. You replace the trim, sweat over refinishing your floors; exhaust yourself with tearing out the old carpet. Still – nothing.

Meanwhile, you get the calls from your friends, We’re moving! We sold our house! It’s our 4th home in 3 years! And your feelings get hurt as some of your friends pull back from you as they are afraid to tell you they sold their house too. You find out when you get their Christmas card in the mailing with a preprinted announcement. Why didn’t they tell us? And yet still, you celebrate their new adventure, move the boxes, ‘like’ the Facebook announcement and wonder if you should take your house off the market. After all, it’s been 3 years.

Then 4 years. More announcements, more moves.

Then it’s been 5 years. You find some friends who too have a hard time selling their house, are stuck in limbo desiring a neighborhood, a closet, a stove with more than 2 burners, a chance to feel at home where they feel called. You relate to one another’s questions and empathize when yet another potential buyer decides to pass. Another lost chance, I am so sorry.

Then those friends who once understood, begin to sell their houses. More celebrations! And the conversations shift from questioning why your house can’t sell, to the frustrations of picking out paint colors for the new living room or the cost of the movers. They forgot what it’s like, you think. Then you no longer get together. I am sorry, I have a house now. There’s so much to do! More dusting, a garden to tend to, bathrooms to clean. Maybe when the house gets a little older.

And still every single morning you wake up, make your bed, clean the house, waiting for the moment you get a call about a showing. You can’t escape the fact that your house is for sale. It’s part of your daily life, reminders everywhere. The lockbox, the sign, the calls. Every day you are faced with the desires to hear the words “you’ve sold your house!”.

6 years pass. You switch realtors again, are given a dash of hope that this is the one! In fact, by this point you’ve had 7 offers on your home, but all of them have fallen through. It’s just been bad luck. This happens to many couples. There must have been a bank loan defect. Unpack your boxes, not this time. Don’t lose the faith!

More moving announcements from friends. We weren’t even thinking about moving but someone came to our door and offered us over market price for our house. And then we got an amazing deal on a new house – in the last lot of the neighborhood you were looking at! What are the chances? We were so surprised!

Housewarming party. Wine. Feelings of defeat. Questions. Did we misunderstand our calling to move? Everyone else thinks we are crazy, yet we continue to feel led is to sell this house. What do we do?

And now here you sit – with 7 more offers sitting on your home and you thinkthis could be it and you are terrified. Everyone around is asking you aren’t you so excited? And while, yes, you are, the truth is you’ve been here before. You’ve had the offers and they’ve all fallen through. You’re hesitant to get your hopes up based on these new offers, knowing what happened last time. And so you smile, nod, and pray harder than ever that one of these offers takes. Because you don’t know if your heart can handle any more. Most days you want to rip down the ‘For Sale’ sign, ignore the aches in your heart, and chuck the lockbox in a volcano. You are now known as the couple who has always had their house up for sale.

Just be thankful you have a house to live in! Everyone around you, many who just sold their house, says to you, as if you aren’t thankful for your apartment. You want shout back that you are thankful, you just hate living in limbo, are struggling to figure out what your future looks like, and that you can’t ignore that nagging longing to become new-home owners.

And still you wait, feeling foolish about the day you drank champagne and told everyone you were going to sell your house. You never expected this.

You get the picture. And while this example may seem silly, can you only imagine having your house for sale for YEARS? I get exhausted just thinking about it. And, oh friends, if only infertility were this kind of exhausting.

With infertility, you take these exhausted, confused emotions and add in the immense deep rooted desire to be parents – moms and dads– and combine it with mind altering hormones, emotions, surgeries, and real life dollars. Every month offers hope that everything might change and when it doesn’t, you have to reprocess what you’re going to do next. Did you hear God right? Why isn’t He moving?

So while your heart is so thrilled for the others in your life who move onto the next stage – first, second, third pregnancies – it’s still very real there will be emotional struggles involved. With every announcement, pregnancy related conversation, baby shower and tiny babies around, it reminds you of the current state of limbo you are in. And with God-given strength, you celebrate the answered prayers, clinging to the hope that next time it might be you, and rejoice that God gave them a miracle. And it’s okay if you still wonder why not me?

Friends, I don’t know why your baby hasn’t come yet. I don’t understand why a 15-year old accidentally becomes pregnant and you can’t get a positive test to save your life. I wish I understood all the specifics. But here’s what I do know –God knows why. And while that can be hard to understand most days, it offers reassurance that we don’t have to be the ones understanding the ‘whys’. We just have to continue to trust the One who does.

I wrote these words in In the Wait and needed to be reminded of them today: “God is not early or late with His timing. Instead, He is right on cue, creating “Ah-ha!” moments when the answers prayers finally come. Yes, it may look different than we expect it to, but we know He will pull through. Scripture reminds us that we can trust Him to stay true to His Word, character and promises. His love is always present. Breathe out a deep sigh with me today and rest assured knowing He is at work, even when we don’t see it.”

I know it’s tiring my sweet friend. But make that bed one more day, accept one more showing, and continue to communicate with the Lord. You never know when you are going to wake up and have your whole life change in one moment. That day of answered prayer is worth the fight.

Lord, I pray for each woman reading this today who understand what it’s like to be stuck waiting. I pray that you renew our strength, our minds, and replenish our weary souls as we wait. We trust that you have the perfect plan for our lives and we ask that you would help strengthen us to continue to celebrate the victories and answers to prayer that you are providing to those around us. Jesus, we simply need more of you to help lead us into the perfect path for our lives. Amen

Written by Chelsea at trialsbringjoy.com 

https://trialsbringjoy.com/2016/06/27/house-for-sale/

Thy Will Be Done

Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7

Yesterday was my two week follow up since the d&c. Everything seemed to go good, but I still left the doctor's office emotionally aggravated. We were told to wait a couple of cycles before trying again, and to be honest I could use the break. This whole year has been mentally and physically exhausting to say the least and I just want to enjoy the summer with my husband. August will be 2 years that we've been on this TTC journey, so to have a couple of months to not over analyze fertile days, endlessly having blood drawn, partaking in hormone medications, countless trips to Birmingham for ultrasounds, and scheduled sex will feel like a breeze of fresh air. I could use some of that fresh air. We still long for that baby that we get to bring home one day but the Lord has given me a peace that only He can. I know our family will grow according to his plan,  so for now I am resting in the fact that God has got this under control. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17

The past couple of weeks have been a nightmare to say the least. I went for my first official OB appointment that I wrote about in my last post and we got the news that no one wants to hear. Our baby's heart beat had stopped and that little peanut that we had already began to love in just the 4 short weeks that we had known of its existence had stopped growing. I was in shock. Even though I had tried to prepare for the worst at first, that was something that I just wasn't expecting that day. I just couldn't wrap my head around the whole situation. I am still just numb to the core. I had a D&C this past Thursday and so Mother's Day weekend couldn't have been anymore worse for me. The doctor's said that this is more common than people realize, its just not talked about. They think it was some chromosomal issue that occurred at conception. Even though they told me that they don't see this being a recurring problem for me in the future, the thought of going through this again scares me to death. I honestly don't have the words to explain all of the thoughts that have been circulating in my head these past couple of weeks. We don't understand why these things happen, and I don't know that we ever will. We still pray for our take home baby every day. I pray for God to heal my broken spirit and just fill my heart with peace and trust that His plan is much greater than anything I could have planned for myself.

A sweet friend sent this poem to me a couple of months ago. So very true. "He maketh no mistake."

HE ANSWERED!

The Lord has heard my cry and has answered the deepest desire of my heart! We are expecting our first miracle baby in December!!! We have only told family and close friends of our news, so we're letting you in our our best kept secret.. I have written all about our journey through longing and pain, and now I thought you who have followed our journey from our darkest day should know of the joy from our happiest and the fears I have faced since finding out. Also, in hopes that our journey would give other couples hope for the future. There is hope! Our God has a plan!

We get so used to this roller coaster ride that when something good happens, you feel like there is a train coming right around the corner to knock the breath out of you. This time around there was no special surprise for my husband, there was just a test and tears. I will never forget that day. For three weeks I went in for blood work to make sure my levels were continuing to rise and each time I just knew that I was going to get a dreadful call about how my levels were too low. Each and every time I got the call it was GOOD news for a change which is something we grow unaccustomed to in the infertility world. There were tears of joy and happiness after each of those calls. I have to admit that the first few weeks I was just trying to prepare myself for whatever bad was going to come. The nurse had scheduled my first ultrasound and I think I was more nervous than excited. The day before my first appointment came and I just couldn't stop crying that night from just being scared of what was to come. I was afraid. Even though the Lord tells us many MANY times in the bible.."Do not be afraid....Do not fear...." I was. I prayed so hard that night. I prayed for peace. I prayed for whatever was going to happen the next day that the Lord just prepare me and to let me know that He is still in control. I probably even prayed in my sleep that night. The next morning on our way to Birmingham, I felt good! I was at peace and I was excited....until we got there. When I get really nervous or upset I always start to shiver. I was so cold..but I wasn't. When my nurse said, "It's ok, you can relax everything looks great!" The tears came. And came and came. I probably cried during my whole appointment. We got to see our little peanut for the first time! Oh what joy! We also were able to see and hear that little heartbeat. Praise Jesus for a heartbeat!!!! I look up at my husband when that little sound came over the speakers and saw the tears streaming down his face as well. Oh, I can't describe to you that moment. I will be 8 weeks tomorrow and go back for my first actual OB appointment on Thursday. Please keep us in your prayers and pray that we have a safe pregnancy and for a healthy and strong baby come December.

 I have prayed for all of you women that long to be mothers! You will get that moment too! Your time is coming!! Praise God that He is faithful!

Have Your Way!

Life has kept me busy these past couple of weeks and I haven't been able to post. My first IUI and fourth round of Clomid was unsuccessful. :(  I began my 5th round of Clomid a little over a week ago, my hubby gave me the trigger shot last night (This was his first time administering it, so it was pretty comical.), and I will have my 2nd IUI in the morning. I am trying so hard not to stress this time around, and so far I am doing much better. We are going on 2 years of trying to have our first baby, so its hard to keep it all from consuming my thoughts. One thing I know for sure is our children will know how much they were prayed for and wanted. I go into, what will hopefully be our future nursery to pray every single morning. I pray for many things, but most importantly I pray for our future babies and that we would be the parents that God will call us to be. As I was getting ready for work this morning a song came on my Pandora, that truly touched me. I have prayed for our baby for so long, and I've begged God to intervene so many times to PLEASE make me a mother and for the hurt that I've been feeling to go away. I know that our God has a perfect plan for our lives, and this song made me think of things in a new way. I need to trust God with where i am right now in my life, this place of waiting and pray that God have HIS way- not mine.

Have Your Way

By: Britt Nicole

Feels like I've been here forever

Why can't You just intervene?

Do You see the tears keep falling?

And I'm falling apart at the seams

But You never said the road would be easy

But You said that You would never leave

And You never promised that this life wasn't hard

But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

When my friends and my family have left me

And I feel so ashamed and so cold

Remind me You take the broken things

And turn them into beautiful

So I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

Even if my dreams have died

And even if I don't survive

I'll still worship You with all my life

My life, yeah

And I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

I know You will, I won't forget

You love me, have Your way

Finally some good news!

Another cycle began last week. I had a doctor's appointment to check for cysts before I could begin another round of Clomid. No cysts, praise Jesus!! I also started my 4th round of Clomid last week. I was given the option of doing an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) this month IF my hormones acted accordingly. This gave me much hope!! I went for my ultrasound and estrogen check yesterday, and I have 2 mature follicles!! My nurse then called last night with my estrogen results- 256!!! Yay!! My estrogen has improved tremendously just since last month. After having my trigger shot on hand for months and not being able to use it, I finally was able to use the trigger shot last night!! And the best good news? I will go in for my IUI tomorrow morning!!!! I know that God is continuing to work in my body and everything has been up to par this month and I'm so thankful! Hoping and praying tomorrow will be my only IUI, and I'll get pregnant with this first one!

I am sure of this 
He who began a good work in you 
will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

Not what I'd hoped for.

I went back for another ultrasound (if only it was the type where they rubbed cold bloop on my belly) and blood work last Wednesday to check on my estrogen level and the maturity of my eggs. I had one fully mature egg, but sadly my estrogen wasn't at the level they wanted it to be. So, no trigger shot again this month. This doesn't necessarily mean that I can't get pregnant this month, but was looking forward to trying something new in hopes of getting my hormones where they need to be. I was pretty bummed - but I know that if the Lord's plan is for me to get pregnant this month that some measly little shot isn't going to impact that. If this month isn't a part of His plan then I will wait and continue to praise Him. But for now- another 2 week wait. I am scheduled for more blood work this Friday to check my Progesterone to be able to tell if and how well I ovulated. Praying specifically that my progesterone will be where it needs to be!

After your season of suffering,

God in all His grace

will restore, confirm,

strengthen and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10

Giving Him the Glory

Over the past year and a half God has been working in my life. Not only has He been working in my life but my husband's as well. Through all of our waiting God has been restoring our relationship with Him and even though we will never be able to fully understand the magnitude of our creator and His will, I know that this has all been a part of His plan. I was raised in church and grew up around the stories of Jesus. I was baptized at a young age, but just didn't fully understand the decision I had made. I was involved in youth group at our church and attended many trips. My husband attended church occasionally growing up but wasn't raised around the word of God as much as I was. He was also baptized at a young age, not understanding the reason or meaning behind it. I have always known about Jesus and believed in Him, but I have never surrendered my life over to Him and trusted Him completely until recently. I have lived for this world and myself. Have we suffered? Yes. But, I think God has allowed our suffering so that we would be in complete dependence on Him. Jesus wants us focused on Him, not ourselves. We know that if God were to have given us a child right away, our relationship with Him wouldn't be what it is now. So for that aspect, we are grateful for this journey. This Sunday the hubs and I will be baptized in our church. Praising our father in heaven for the security of knowing that my true love on this earth will join me in eternity one day!!

Yesterday we went for another doctor's appointment to check my estrogen level and to see if my follicles were maturing eggs correctly and to see if it was almost time for me to ovulate, so I could take the trigger shot. I had three eggs that were close to being completely mature, but just wasn't quite ready yet. My estrogen was also low - only in the 100's. For a good ovulation cycle they want my estrogen to be above 300, so they wanted to give my eggs a couple more days to mature. I will go back again tomorrow for another ultrasound to check my eggs and blood test to check my estrogen. Praying specifically that all three of those eggs are completely matured and ready for ovulation and that my estrogen rises to the level it needs to be in order to administer the trigger shot.


The steadfast love of the 
Lord never ceases
his mercies
never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
Great Is Your Faithfulness

Isaiah 40:31

New Year and Fresh Starts

2016 has officially began and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us! We pray everyday that our baby will come soon, so we are hoping that 2016 will be our year. After miscarrying in December I had to wait until my next cycle begins to start anything medication related. What a long and hard month it was! I never thought I would say this, but I am so ready to get started with my Clomid again! My cycle should start this week, so in a sense I feel like I have a fresh start with this new year. So, bring on all of the hot flashes and craziness that Clomid will bring. I'm ready for ya!