Catching up

It has been a while since my last post - so let's catch up! After my last post we completed IUI #4, which also failed. I wasn't as hormonal that month and I think that the injections had a lot to do with it. (I've heard they don't make you as crazy as clomid) During this cycle my nurses mentioned some options to me if IUI #4 was unsuccessful. Option number one was that I could be referred to an RE and begin further treatment with them or I could have an exploratory laparoscopic surgery done to check for any abnormalities with my reproductive organs, such as scaring or endometriosis. I opted for the surgery because I figured if I was referred to an RE that the surgery would be the first thing they would do anyways and why not do it with my doctor that I already know and absolutely love? My lapy was done almost two weeks ago now and while under anesthesia my doctor also went ahead and completed another dye test on my tubes. The lapy showed that I did indeed have some mild endometriosis that she burned out, but everything else along with my tubes were normal. Praise Jesus! We are praying that this is just another step in the right direction and that maybe, just maybe burning out that endometriosis will help us conceive. I go for my follow up appointment to make sure everything is healing properly on Thursday. I should also begin another cycle this week, so we'll start medications back up then, since I had to skip a cycle to do the lapy.

Let's try something different

IUI attempt #3 was a failure. My emotions have been running wild the past couple of weeks and I have been beyond hormonal this time around. I try to stay positive, but sometimes you just have those down right ugly days. I've had quite a few of those this past week. Its that time in the cycle of emotions, at the beginning of another cycle that you try to have hope again and say "We can do this." and We can get through this.". This cycle we are starting some new medication. We have started 50 mg of Clomid and will take that for a total of 5 days and will begin follistim injections on the 6th day and complete those each day until I ovulate. We may also do another IUI this cycle, but I haven't quite made that decision yet. Just praying for peace this cycle and for that baby we know the Lord has planned for us.

Pushing forward

I was told by my nurse that my last cycle was "perfect". Hmm.. perfect for me would have meant that I was pregnant, but I'm not. However, on a positive note my estrogen and progesterone were the best they've been since I started medication a year ago. I was also the most hormonal, crying mess of a woman too. There were days where I could have bitten someone's head off for no reason and other days where I cried off and on all day. Again, for no reason. I know my husband must have thought I hitched a ride on the crazy train. Because my levels were so good on the 150 mg of clomid, we are trying it one more cycle. Next week we will hopefully have another IUI done, in hopes that we will get pregnant with our take home baby. If not, I will move on to more extensive drugs and exploratory laparoscopic surgery. Praying those won't be needed and our dreams of being parents become our reality.


"Thy will be done."

Our journey continues...

It has officially been 2 years since our ttc journey began. Two years of emotions that I can't begin to comprehend. Since my miscarriage in April, my husband and I decided to take the Summer to just focus on us. It has been exactly what we needed, to just take a step back and stop analyzing every detail of every month. There has still been plenty of grieving, and no doubt there will be more of that to come as what would have been our due date approaches. We have faith in God's plan for our life and know that He has nothing but the best planned for us. Tomorrow I will begin another round of clomid, increasing my dosage to 150 mg. Lord help my husband! I am anxious to begin this journey again and pray that we will get to meet that sweet baby that God has planned for us soon! 

I have prayed earnestly for peace. Peace to overcome my heartache from my previous miscarriage, but also peace of mind for the future. Another miscarriage is a fear of mine that I am sure will be at the forefront of my mind when I get pregnant again. I pray that Jesus takes control of that fear and anxiety and replaces it with trust and hope. Our faith in the Lord has only continued to grow and we truly believe that Jesus has great things in store for us! 

Analogy from Trials Bring Joy

Love this analogy! So true. We can feel happy for you and sad for ourselves.

This blog post is a must read!!

house for sale.

JUNE 27, 2016 | CHELS819

*

I was stirring my coffee when my friend asked the question: “So how are you really right now?”

With the buzz of steaming milk and brewing espresso around me, I admitted my heart’s been a little weary. I touched on how 7 pregnancy announcements from good friends in 3 days drained me a bit. I tried to explain that while my heart was overjoyed for them, it made me a bit reflective of my own journey, which can be a hard, emotional path for me to walk down sometimes.

I could see in her eyes, as someone who doesn’t struggle with infertility, that she couldn’t quite grasp how someone could be happy for someone else but sad for themselves.

And that’s when this example hit me.

Let’s pretend that you and your spouse have decided it’s time to move from your small apartment. It’s time to expand! It’s not necessarily that you don’t like your current place, but you feel ready to embark into a new neighborhood, have the chance to mow a lawn, use a driveway, and have a little more space.

So you celebrate this big decision! You are going to sell your house! You tell your friends, you have a celebratory glass of champagne and list it. It’s time to sell!

Hmmmm. A few days, weeks, months pass. Why isn’t your house selling? You try to stay positive. Oh it takes time! You just have to wait for the perfect buyer! It can take couples almost a year before their house sells! Take a vacation – then it might sell!

In the meantime, friends around you decide they too want to sell their house and move. And you watch and celebrate as they immediately find buyers. It was our first showing! We hadn’t even listed it yet! A friend of a friend asked to buy our house! In fact, some of your friends who didn’t even take care of their apartment sell it right away. Huh?

What is going on, you asked yourselves. You paint the walls, freshen up the tile, and replace the old floors. And yet, months pass by and still, no buyers. Multiple showings, the promise of hope with each one, but a firm and audible NO after every one.

In the meantime, you’re invited to house warming party after house warming party to celebrate your friend’s new home. You are thrilled for them! What a beautiful new kitchen! Lawn! Bathroom! Is that a walk-in closet?? And you wonder what is wrong with our apartment??? You bring the wine, send the congratulations card, help move the boxes, all while dusting off your “for sale” sign. You pack away the towels you bought for a new bathroom. It hurts too much to look at them each day.

Do we try to get used to staying here forever? You begin to ask yourselves how you should approach this limbo. What does the future look like? Do you apply for that new position knowing it would be across town, near the city you want to move to? Do you redecorate the space and plan to stay there? Oh how your hearts yearn to be in a new place – and yet still, all the showings result in nothing. No. No. No. No. No. No.

So you hire a new realtor. The one who sold your friends house in just 1 day! And your heart breaks as he tells you that you may never sell your home. You see, because there’s this one part of the inside of a wall that is damaged. It’s not really your fault, but it’s your home and because of it, it may be a little harder to sell it.

How did I not know? What can we do to improve our chances?! He provides you with a list of things to do and you eagerly dive into them. You replace the trim, sweat over refinishing your floors; exhaust yourself with tearing out the old carpet. Still – nothing.

Meanwhile, you get the calls from your friends, We’re moving! We sold our house! It’s our 4th home in 3 years! And your feelings get hurt as some of your friends pull back from you as they are afraid to tell you they sold their house too. You find out when you get their Christmas card in the mailing with a preprinted announcement. Why didn’t they tell us? And yet still, you celebrate their new adventure, move the boxes, ‘like’ the Facebook announcement and wonder if you should take your house off the market. After all, it’s been 3 years.

Then 4 years. More announcements, more moves.

Then it’s been 5 years. You find some friends who too have a hard time selling their house, are stuck in limbo desiring a neighborhood, a closet, a stove with more than 2 burners, a chance to feel at home where they feel called. You relate to one another’s questions and empathize when yet another potential buyer decides to pass. Another lost chance, I am so sorry.

Then those friends who once understood, begin to sell their houses. More celebrations! And the conversations shift from questioning why your house can’t sell, to the frustrations of picking out paint colors for the new living room or the cost of the movers. They forgot what it’s like, you think. Then you no longer get together. I am sorry, I have a house now. There’s so much to do! More dusting, a garden to tend to, bathrooms to clean. Maybe when the house gets a little older.

And still every single morning you wake up, make your bed, clean the house, waiting for the moment you get a call about a showing. You can’t escape the fact that your house is for sale. It’s part of your daily life, reminders everywhere. The lockbox, the sign, the calls. Every day you are faced with the desires to hear the words “you’ve sold your house!”.

6 years pass. You switch realtors again, are given a dash of hope that this is the one! In fact, by this point you’ve had 7 offers on your home, but all of them have fallen through. It’s just been bad luck. This happens to many couples. There must have been a bank loan defect. Unpack your boxes, not this time. Don’t lose the faith!

More moving announcements from friends. We weren’t even thinking about moving but someone came to our door and offered us over market price for our house. And then we got an amazing deal on a new house – in the last lot of the neighborhood you were looking at! What are the chances? We were so surprised!

Housewarming party. Wine. Feelings of defeat. Questions. Did we misunderstand our calling to move? Everyone else thinks we are crazy, yet we continue to feel led is to sell this house. What do we do?

And now here you sit – with 7 more offers sitting on your home and you thinkthis could be it and you are terrified. Everyone around is asking you aren’t you so excited? And while, yes, you are, the truth is you’ve been here before. You’ve had the offers and they’ve all fallen through. You’re hesitant to get your hopes up based on these new offers, knowing what happened last time. And so you smile, nod, and pray harder than ever that one of these offers takes. Because you don’t know if your heart can handle any more. Most days you want to rip down the ‘For Sale’ sign, ignore the aches in your heart, and chuck the lockbox in a volcano. You are now known as the couple who has always had their house up for sale.

Just be thankful you have a house to live in! Everyone around you, many who just sold their house, says to you, as if you aren’t thankful for your apartment. You want shout back that you are thankful, you just hate living in limbo, are struggling to figure out what your future looks like, and that you can’t ignore that nagging longing to become new-home owners.

And still you wait, feeling foolish about the day you drank champagne and told everyone you were going to sell your house. You never expected this.

You get the picture. And while this example may seem silly, can you only imagine having your house for sale for YEARS? I get exhausted just thinking about it. And, oh friends, if only infertility were this kind of exhausting.

With infertility, you take these exhausted, confused emotions and add in the immense deep rooted desire to be parents – moms and dads– and combine it with mind altering hormones, emotions, surgeries, and real life dollars. Every month offers hope that everything might change and when it doesn’t, you have to reprocess what you’re going to do next. Did you hear God right? Why isn’t He moving?

So while your heart is so thrilled for the others in your life who move onto the next stage – first, second, third pregnancies – it’s still very real there will be emotional struggles involved. With every announcement, pregnancy related conversation, baby shower and tiny babies around, it reminds you of the current state of limbo you are in. And with God-given strength, you celebrate the answered prayers, clinging to the hope that next time it might be you, and rejoice that God gave them a miracle. And it’s okay if you still wonder why not me?

Friends, I don’t know why your baby hasn’t come yet. I don’t understand why a 15-year old accidentally becomes pregnant and you can’t get a positive test to save your life. I wish I understood all the specifics. But here’s what I do know –God knows why. And while that can be hard to understand most days, it offers reassurance that we don’t have to be the ones understanding the ‘whys’. We just have to continue to trust the One who does.

I wrote these words in In the Wait and needed to be reminded of them today: “God is not early or late with His timing. Instead, He is right on cue, creating “Ah-ha!” moments when the answers prayers finally come. Yes, it may look different than we expect it to, but we know He will pull through. Scripture reminds us that we can trust Him to stay true to His Word, character and promises. His love is always present. Breathe out a deep sigh with me today and rest assured knowing He is at work, even when we don’t see it.”

I know it’s tiring my sweet friend. But make that bed one more day, accept one more showing, and continue to communicate with the Lord. You never know when you are going to wake up and have your whole life change in one moment. That day of answered prayer is worth the fight.

Lord, I pray for each woman reading this today who understand what it’s like to be stuck waiting. I pray that you renew our strength, our minds, and replenish our weary souls as we wait. We trust that you have the perfect plan for our lives and we ask that you would help strengthen us to continue to celebrate the victories and answers to prayer that you are providing to those around us. Jesus, we simply need more of you to help lead us into the perfect path for our lives. Amen

Written by Chelsea at trialsbringjoy.com 

https://trialsbringjoy.com/2016/06/27/house-for-sale/

Thy Will Be Done

Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7

Yesterday was my two week follow up since the d&c. Everything seemed to go good, but I still left the doctor's office emotionally aggravated. We were told to wait a couple of cycles before trying again, and to be honest I could use the break. This whole year has been mentally and physically exhausting to say the least and I just want to enjoy the summer with my husband. August will be 2 years that we've been on this TTC journey, so to have a couple of months to not over analyze fertile days, endlessly having blood drawn, partaking in hormone medications, countless trips to Birmingham for ultrasounds, and scheduled sex will feel like a breeze of fresh air. I could use some of that fresh air. We still long for that baby that we get to bring home one day but the Lord has given me a peace that only He can. I know our family will grow according to his plan,  so for now I am resting in the fact that God has got this under control. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17

The past couple of weeks have been a nightmare to say the least. I went for my first official OB appointment that I wrote about in my last post and we got the news that no one wants to hear. Our baby's heart beat had stopped and that little peanut that we had already began to love in just the 4 short weeks that we had known of its existence had stopped growing. I was in shock. Even though I had tried to prepare for the worst at first, that was something that I just wasn't expecting that day. I just couldn't wrap my head around the whole situation. I am still just numb to the core. I had a D&C this past Thursday and so Mother's Day weekend couldn't have been anymore worse for me. The doctor's said that this is more common than people realize, its just not talked about. They think it was some chromosomal issue that occurred at conception. Even though they told me that they don't see this being a recurring problem for me in the future, the thought of going through this again scares me to death. I honestly don't have the words to explain all of the thoughts that have been circulating in my head these past couple of weeks. We don't understand why these things happen, and I don't know that we ever will. We still pray for our take home baby every day. I pray for God to heal my broken spirit and just fill my heart with peace and trust that His plan is much greater than anything I could have planned for myself.

A sweet friend sent this poem to me a couple of months ago. So very true. "He maketh no mistake."

HE ANSWERED!

The Lord has heard my cry and has answered the deepest desire of my heart! We are expecting our first miracle baby in December!!! We have only told family and close friends of our news, so we're letting you in our our best kept secret.. I have written all about our journey through longing and pain, and now I thought you who have followed our journey from our darkest day should know of the joy from our happiest and the fears I have faced since finding out. Also, in hopes that our journey would give other couples hope for the future. There is hope! Our God has a plan!

We get so used to this roller coaster ride that when something good happens, you feel like there is a train coming right around the corner to knock the breath out of you. This time around there was no special surprise for my husband, there was just a test and tears. I will never forget that day. For three weeks I went in for blood work to make sure my levels were continuing to rise and each time I just knew that I was going to get a dreadful call about how my levels were too low. Each and every time I got the call it was GOOD news for a change which is something we grow unaccustomed to in the infertility world. There were tears of joy and happiness after each of those calls. I have to admit that the first few weeks I was just trying to prepare myself for whatever bad was going to come. The nurse had scheduled my first ultrasound and I think I was more nervous than excited. The day before my first appointment came and I just couldn't stop crying that night from just being scared of what was to come. I was afraid. Even though the Lord tells us many MANY times in the bible.."Do not be afraid....Do not fear...." I was. I prayed so hard that night. I prayed for peace. I prayed for whatever was going to happen the next day that the Lord just prepare me and to let me know that He is still in control. I probably even prayed in my sleep that night. The next morning on our way to Birmingham, I felt good! I was at peace and I was excited....until we got there. When I get really nervous or upset I always start to shiver. I was so cold..but I wasn't. When my nurse said, "It's ok, you can relax everything looks great!" The tears came. And came and came. I probably cried during my whole appointment. We got to see our little peanut for the first time! Oh what joy! We also were able to see and hear that little heartbeat. Praise Jesus for a heartbeat!!!! I look up at my husband when that little sound came over the speakers and saw the tears streaming down his face as well. Oh, I can't describe to you that moment. I will be 8 weeks tomorrow and go back for my first actual OB appointment on Thursday. Please keep us in your prayers and pray that we have a safe pregnancy and for a healthy and strong baby come December.

 I have prayed for all of you women that long to be mothers! You will get that moment too! Your time is coming!! Praise God that He is faithful!

Have Your Way!

Life has kept me busy these past couple of weeks and I haven't been able to post. My first IUI and fourth round of Clomid was unsuccessful. :(  I began my 5th round of Clomid a little over a week ago, my hubby gave me the trigger shot last night (This was his first time administering it, so it was pretty comical.), and I will have my 2nd IUI in the morning. I am trying so hard not to stress this time around, and so far I am doing much better. We are going on 2 years of trying to have our first baby, so its hard to keep it all from consuming my thoughts. One thing I know for sure is our children will know how much they were prayed for and wanted. I go into, what will hopefully be our future nursery to pray every single morning. I pray for many things, but most importantly I pray for our future babies and that we would be the parents that God will call us to be. As I was getting ready for work this morning a song came on my Pandora, that truly touched me. I have prayed for our baby for so long, and I've begged God to intervene so many times to PLEASE make me a mother and for the hurt that I've been feeling to go away. I know that our God has a perfect plan for our lives, and this song made me think of things in a new way. I need to trust God with where i am right now in my life, this place of waiting and pray that God have HIS way- not mine.

Have Your Way

By: Britt Nicole

Feels like I've been here forever

Why can't You just intervene?

Do You see the tears keep falling?

And I'm falling apart at the seams

But You never said the road would be easy

But You said that You would never leave

And You never promised that this life wasn't hard

But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

When my friends and my family have left me

And I feel so ashamed and so cold

Remind me You take the broken things

And turn them into beautiful

So I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

Even if my dreams have died

And even if I don't survive

I'll still worship You with all my life

My life, yeah

And I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

I know You will, I won't forget

You love me, have Your way

Finally some good news!

Another cycle began last week. I had a doctor's appointment to check for cysts before I could begin another round of Clomid. No cysts, praise Jesus!! I also started my 4th round of Clomid last week. I was given the option of doing an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) this month IF my hormones acted accordingly. This gave me much hope!! I went for my ultrasound and estrogen check yesterday, and I have 2 mature follicles!! My nurse then called last night with my estrogen results- 256!!! Yay!! My estrogen has improved tremendously just since last month. After having my trigger shot on hand for months and not being able to use it, I finally was able to use the trigger shot last night!! And the best good news? I will go in for my IUI tomorrow morning!!!! I know that God is continuing to work in my body and everything has been up to par this month and I'm so thankful! Hoping and praying tomorrow will be my only IUI, and I'll get pregnant with this first one!

I am sure of this 
He who began a good work in you 
will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

Not what I'd hoped for.

I went back for another ultrasound (if only it was the type where they rubbed cold bloop on my belly) and blood work last Wednesday to check on my estrogen level and the maturity of my eggs. I had one fully mature egg, but sadly my estrogen wasn't at the level they wanted it to be. So, no trigger shot again this month. This doesn't necessarily mean that I can't get pregnant this month, but was looking forward to trying something new in hopes of getting my hormones where they need to be. I was pretty bummed - but I know that if the Lord's plan is for me to get pregnant this month that some measly little shot isn't going to impact that. If this month isn't a part of His plan then I will wait and continue to praise Him. But for now- another 2 week wait. I am scheduled for more blood work this Friday to check my Progesterone to be able to tell if and how well I ovulated. Praying specifically that my progesterone will be where it needs to be!

After your season of suffering,

God in all His grace

will restore, confirm,

strengthen and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10

Giving Him the Glory

Over the past year and a half God has been working in my life. Not only has He been working in my life but my husband's as well. Through all of our waiting God has been restoring our relationship with Him and even though we will never be able to fully understand the magnitude of our creator and His will, I know that this has all been a part of His plan. I was raised in church and grew up around the stories of Jesus. I was baptized at a young age, but just didn't fully understand the decision I had made. I was involved in youth group at our church and attended many trips. My husband attended church occasionally growing up but wasn't raised around the word of God as much as I was. He was also baptized at a young age, not understanding the reason or meaning behind it. I have always known about Jesus and believed in Him, but I have never surrendered my life over to Him and trusted Him completely until recently. I have lived for this world and myself. Have we suffered? Yes. But, I think God has allowed our suffering so that we would be in complete dependence on Him. Jesus wants us focused on Him, not ourselves. We know that if God were to have given us a child right away, our relationship with Him wouldn't be what it is now. So for that aspect, we are grateful for this journey. This Sunday the hubs and I will be baptized in our church. Praising our father in heaven for the security of knowing that my true love on this earth will join me in eternity one day!!

Yesterday we went for another doctor's appointment to check my estrogen level and to see if my follicles were maturing eggs correctly and to see if it was almost time for me to ovulate, so I could take the trigger shot. I had three eggs that were close to being completely mature, but just wasn't quite ready yet. My estrogen was also low - only in the 100's. For a good ovulation cycle they want my estrogen to be above 300, so they wanted to give my eggs a couple more days to mature. I will go back again tomorrow for another ultrasound to check my eggs and blood test to check my estrogen. Praying specifically that all three of those eggs are completely matured and ready for ovulation and that my estrogen rises to the level it needs to be in order to administer the trigger shot.


The steadfast love of the 
Lord never ceases
his mercies
never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
Great Is Your Faithfulness

Isaiah 40:31

New Year and Fresh Starts

2016 has officially began and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us! We pray everyday that our baby will come soon, so we are hoping that 2016 will be our year. After miscarrying in December I had to wait until my next cycle begins to start anything medication related. What a long and hard month it was! I never thought I would say this, but I am so ready to get started with my Clomid again! My cycle should start this week, so in a sense I feel like I have a fresh start with this new year. So, bring on all of the hot flashes and craziness that Clomid will bring. I'm ready for ya!

In the shame and silence

I have really struggled these past few weeks. Sometimes I feel like I can't catch my breath and I am just suffocating in my despair. I have hit rock bottom. I have rolled around in my hurt and pain long enough. I can't survive this way. I am a person that loves control, but I simply can not control this or anything really. "I surrender it all to you Jesus. Take my hurt and pain away and fill my heart with joy and hope again!" I can't tell you how many times I have prayed these words these last few days, and slowly but surely I have begun to feel better. I know that God has a plan for all of this and me, and that I am just going to have to trust him. Infertility has a way of making you feel shameful, and that shame can take over especially in the silence of this  infertile world. In fact, if I could define infertility (despite the obvious of having trouble with getting pregnant) I could define it in those two words alone; silent and shameful. I feel the devil takes over in these areas. The devil sows seeds smack dab in the middle of your hurt and tries to make us despise our creator and Savior. We must be ready and know who has our back! Jesus will fight for us!



Psalm 34:4-7

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrenders
and defends all who fear him.


"His love roared louder than her demons."

"God wouldn't have allowed it unless He had a purpose.
Don't just go through it ----- GROW through it!"

I recently came across this blog post and it describes so many of my feelings and emotions perfectly. Hope this helps you too!

From Dreaming of Dimples:


This Christmas I preached through the Christmas story as told by Luke. For all the times I’ve read the story, I’ve never noticed this small line hidden in the middle of the Christmas narrative. But this year was different. This year, that small, innocent line refused to go unnoticed and forced me to see it.
After Elizabeth became pregnant with John, she praised God saying, “The Lord has done this for me,” she said. “In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people.”
We know that disgrace. My wife knows that disgrace. I know that disgrace.
Infertility.
No, it isn’t the same type of disgrace that Elizabeth experienced. In that day, an inability to bear children was equated with sin. It was assumed that the reason for barrenness was your own doing. You must have done something. You must have something to repent of. Some sin you committed. Some reason God was withholding his blessing from you.
You.
You created the problem by your disobedience, and now God is punishing you.
Thankfully, the shame of disapproving eyes and rumored gossip doesn’t surround infertility in America anymore. But shame still exists.
Shame grows with constant thermometer readings. Peeing on countless sticks. Needles. Probes. Tiny plastic cups. Forever counting days. Sex that feels mechanical and forced because “It’s time.”
Shame slips in with the silent words spoken as another, month pregnant only with hope, passes by. It is amazing how much silence surrounds the struggle of infertility. The silence of not wanting to talk about it. The silence of wanting to talk about, but being scared. The silence of trying to avoid the one thing you are wondering about, but not wanting to focus on it, and yet having your mind dominated by it. The silence of not feeling comfortable talking with others about it because it involves sex. The silence because you just don’t want to deal with the questions.
That silence gives shame all the voice it needs to whisper silently, “Something is wrong with you.”
Infertility is a shame-filled, silent trial, isolating couples in closed bedrooms of pain.
As a man, the pain of infertility is difficult to talk about it. While my wife and I walked through our experiences together, she felt the pain of not being able to conceive more acutely than I did. Pregnancy was failing to take place in her body. Even though the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with either of us, she was the one scheduling the monthly ultrasounds. She was the one taking medications. She was the one physically being reminded every 28 days of the failure to conceive. The pain was much closer and much more tangible for her. And all I could do was stand back and watch. I felt hopeless. Unable to do what I normally do when situations aren’t what I want them to be: fix it.
We stood in the kitchen having the same discussion we’ve had every month. The sadness was making Sarah cry and I stood there helpless. I hugged her, but I couldn’t do anything else. I couldn’t fix this. This was out of my control.
Helplessness is not a feeling I do well with.
As I held my crying wife, I didn’t cry, but quietly grieved and pulling back from hope. The grieving brought on by infertility is different than other grief I have experienced because you do not grieve what was lost, but what never was. At some point you start grieving for what never will be.
Men don’t talk often about infertility. My guess is that, if we started the conversations, a lot of guys would feel helpless. When people dream of starting their family, no one sees years of disappointment and frustration as part of the process. No, when we dream of starting our family it is a nice and tidy schedule. “First we will go off birth control, then in 3-6 months we will get pregnant.” Wouldn’t that be nice?
Instead those struggling with infertility find themselves dealing with resignation, bitterness, anger and exhaustion.
Exhaustion from fighting to hold on to hope.
Infertility is a brutal cycle that steps on hands gripping hope. The cycle begins each month with hope only to be followed by disappointment.
Hope.
False alarm.
Hope.
Discouragement.
Hope.
Frustration.
Hope.
Shame.
Hope.
Despair.
At any point in this cycle you are constantly reminded of what you cannot do by running into countless pregnant women in the grocery story, at church, or at the gym.
Church is a good place to find support, but it isn’t always a tower of refuge. The American church is one place in our culture where marriage and kids is an expectation. Singles are constantly met with questions about when they will get married, and unnecessarily pitied or prayed for when a potential spouse isn’t in the picture. Young married’s are bombarded about when they will start having kids, as if their marriage doesn’t really matter until a child validates it.
Around church, having kids is talked about as if it is like scheduling a tune-up for your car. “Isn’t it time the two of you start having kids?” is one of the most painful questions a couple dealing with infertility can hear. Because thats exactly how they feel! It is time for them to start having kids. They’ve been hoping and praying and wanting and waiting for a long time for God to respond to their request. So yes, it is time, but no, kids don’t show up on a time table.
My wife and I struggled for 14 months before we surprisingly found ourselves expecting our now 3 year-old son. We were literally starting to have all the testing done the next month when my wife woke me up with the news that she was pregnant.
So many couples never wake up to that news.
It’s now been over two years that we have tried for another child. Two years and an ectopic pregnancy that we had to end. I’m not writing because my wife and I have discovered some secret to living with infertility. I don’t think there is any. I’m not writing because I have some great pastoral wisdom to help comfort those who are struggling with infertility. In fact, I don’t even know how to end this post. All I have is this:
You are not alone. Your struggle may be in silence, but you are not alone.
I don’t have a magic Bible verse of comfort, or prayer of peace, or words of wisdom, or any answers.
I only have “me too.” Us too. We know. We understand. And we mourn with you.

So may we, together, accept that there is nothing wrong with us and see we are simply sharing in the human experience – which is simultaneously beautiful and painful, disheartening and hopeful.

So may we, together, accept that there is nothing wrong with us and see we are simply sharing in the human experience – which is simultaneously beautiful and painful, disheartening and hopeful.

http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2014/01/the-disgrace-of-infertility.html?m=1

Keeping Hope

It's been a little while since I've posted but I didn't know quite how I would respond to this ache in my heart without sounding so bitter.

Where to start? Well this past month has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions for me and it feels like I may never get off this ride. On December 8th, I got my first BFP (big fat positive)! I have taken so many tests over the last 15 months that I honestly didn't even think I would get a positive this time. But.. there it was and I just couldn't believe it. I can't even fully describe to you what I felt in that moment, but it was mostly disbelief. I know the pregnancy test says positive (I had taken two) but does that REALLY mean that I am pregnant? The first thing I did was call my nurse and she sent me for blood work that afternoon. I then called my friend(also my boss) not just because I needed to make sure I could leave work but also because if I was going to tell anyone before my husband it would be her. I needed to tell someone so I wouldn't feel so crazy! I then had to figure out how I was going to tell my husband! I was so anxious/excited/nervous to tell him. That night I had him open a early "Christmas present" with a card, book and onesie inside that said "#Best Christmas Ever". We were both so excited, but deep inside I was calm. I didn't want to get too excited before I heard back from my blood work. The next day I heard from my nurse and my HCG was at 45 and my progesterone was at 6.4, which is really low. She said we couldn't really tell if this was a viable pregnancy yet until we took more blood work on Monday to see if my HCG was rising. So I just tried to keep a positive mindset.
On Friday night, my happiness and joy turned into anger/sadness/guilt all in an instant, when I began bleeding. I just knew. On Saturday, I took another pregnancy test and it was negative. I knew then that I had had a miscarriage. I think that whole weekend my husband and I was in a zombie state. So many emotions in such a short time. I felt like I had just played the most horrible joke on the one person that I love the most. I felt so guilty. I couldn't understand why God would let this happen. Why after so long of waiting to get pregnant and then this one end like it did? I don't think my human mind will ever totally understand. BUT- even through all of my hurting and waiting I know that we still serve a faithful and loving God. I just need to keep HOPING and praying for our little baby everyday, and we do. We pray for a little miracle every single day. This journey has brought us closer to Jesus and has made our faith so much stronger, so we will hold our hope in Him.

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." -Psalm 33:20–22

"When are ya'll going to have a baby?"

"When are ya'll going to have a baby?"

Ohhhh, so that's what happens after marriage? We must have forgot! <insert sarcasm>

I can't tell you how much I despise this question. I hate it. I fear it.

Only some close friends even know that we have had babies on the brain for the last 16 months or so. We are very hesitant about who we let in on our "secret" of  ttc. We haven't told any of our family. Infertility is not something that people talk about casually. It's a tough subject, especially for the couple in their season of waiting. Why? Because pity comes sneaking in and the gossip starts. If our family did know, they would always be on the edge of their seats for that pregnancy news, which means more guilt each passing month for us. There would be no surprises of a baby. So, people without knowing our situation ask us 30 times a day about babies. What do you say? I feel like each time I answer that question they can see the lie across my forehead. I want to scream WE ARE TRYING! Medications. Shots. Procedures. All of it. We are trying! But I can't.

People that have had no trouble having kids may see nothing wrong with that question, but with me- it makes me want to crawl in a hole. Just stop with all of the personal questions already!








Rant from a girl on Clomid. :)

Clomid Round 2

Another month has come and gone, and still no news of a baby to share with you. As I stated in my last post, I began 50mg of Clomid this past cycle. A week after I was suppose to have ovulated I had a appointment with one of infertility nurses to check my progesterone level. About a week after a woman ovulates her progesterone spikes, which indicates that ovulation did indeed take place. My progesterone level was good, but not up to level she was hoping for since I was on Clomid. She believed that I did ovulate but not on the day we thought I did. On Friday night, another cycle began. Not pregnant.

Today is Day 4 of my cycle and I was scheduled for a ultrasound this morning to make sure there weren't any cysts on my ovaries. My nurse explained that some women while on Clomid produce cysts, and when this happens we would have to take a break on the medication for a month or two. Praise Jesus for no cysts!!! Round 2 of Clomid starts today, except this time they are doubling my dosage to 100mg. (Say a prayer for my husband.) On Tuesday, I'll go back for some more blood work and to see how my follicles are maturing. If the nurse thinks that I am ready to ovulate, then I will be given a HCG shot (booster shot) to have a nurse friend administer that night at home. If not, then because it will be the week of Thanksgiving and they will be closed next Thursday and Friday, I will have to wait another month to administer the trigger shot. I wasn't very enthused by this but sometimes that's how it goes. We continue to pray for that sweet baby we know the Lord has planned for us. For now, we may not understand why but we know that this process is apart of His plan and we will trust in Him.

These Ecards are on point!

"When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move

When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!"

                                      -Lauren Daigle

The Journey I Didn't Plan

In October 2012, I married my high school sweetheart! He is literally my best friend and life couldn't have been more perfect. 

In August 2014, my husband and I decided we were ready to begin trying for a baby. In a sense I can see God smiling at that sentence, because we all know that He is the ultimate decision maker - not us. The first couple of months were full of excitement, thinking this may be our month! Then, as the months kept passing us by I became really discouraged. Was something wrong? Everyone that has ever been apart of this journey knows the feeling you get every time someone else announces their pregnancy. That deep, heart wrenching failure moment. Its the worst feeling. You are excited for them, but in a sense still hurt- not at them but at yourself. Why is it so easy for everyone else? 

Its been 15 months. 15 LONG months. 

Back in August(the 12 month mark) I decided to talk to my OB-GYN about what was going on. I remember going to the doctor's office so worried that my doctor would just shrug it off and say to go try for another 3 or 4 more months. When you're ttc 3 or 4 months is a long time. She didn't, thank goodness!! She referred me to the infertility department that day, and even had a infertility nurse come over and talk to me. I love information, so the more information I can get the more comfortable I am about a situation- and the nurse (my nurse) gave me lots of it. My emotions were out of control that day, but when the nurse came in and handed me that infertility pamphlet, it all became real. The word INFERTILITY written on the front of the pamphlet hit me like a ton of bricks. Even as I type it out it still kind of puts me in a state of shock. This was never a part of my plan. Infertility had never even crossed my mind. I had just always imagined that when we were ready to have a baby we would have one. How wrong was I? How foolish my plan must look to God. His plan is greater than what we could imagine, and I truly believe this was his way of opening my eyes. I see things a lot clearer now. Anyways, back to the story. Since I was already far along in my cycle she scheduled me to come in on days 9, 11, and 13 of my next cycle for blood work, a ultrasound, and a consultation. I remember leaving that room feeling anxious, excited, but so sad at the same time. The tears were on their way, so I was in a rush to get back to my car. Of course, of all days I couldn't remember which parking deck that I had parked on. Three parking decks later I finally found my car- and the dam broke. 

I went in as scheduled on days 9, 11, and 13. My ultrasound showed good results, but my blood however showed that my estrogen was too low. If my estrogen was low my progesterone was sure to be low as well. I was excited about this news. If this is all that's wrong - easy peasy. That's an easy fix! During my consultation i was given a ton of information. Yay! The only thing I left bummed about that day, was that my rubella vaccination was low. So, the next month I would have to take the MMR vaccine. After being given the MMR vaccine, you can't get pregnant. It could do serious harm to the baby. I had to wait a whole month to start anything baby related. During this month of wait, I underwent the HSG test(dye test). This test checks for blockages and scarring on your Fallopian tubes. Warning: it's very painful. The test came back normal!! No obstructions! Also, during this month my husband got his semen analysis done. This is where they check your sperm count, motility, and mobility. NORMAL! Praise Jesus! 

My next cycle, which was this month was medication time. I started 50mg of Clomid this past week. I could write a whole blog post about Clomid itself, and I probably will. My side effects included, hot flashes, headaches, mood swings, and stomach cramps. It's been a week that's for sure! My poor husband. 

Hopefully this will be our month! I would LOVE to have to only do one month on Clomid!

-What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.-

-Romans 8:18