Finally some good news!

Another cycle began last week. I had a doctor's appointment to check for cysts before I could begin another round of Clomid. No cysts, praise Jesus!! I also started my 4th round of Clomid last week. I was given the option of doing an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) this month IF my hormones acted accordingly. This gave me much hope!! I went for my ultrasound and estrogen check yesterday, and I have 2 mature follicles!! My nurse then called last night with my estrogen results- 256!!! Yay!! My estrogen has improved tremendously just since last month. After having my trigger shot on hand for months and not being able to use it, I finally was able to use the trigger shot last night!! And the best good news? I will go in for my IUI tomorrow morning!!!! I know that God is continuing to work in my body and everything has been up to par this month and I'm so thankful! Hoping and praying tomorrow will be my only IUI, and I'll get pregnant with this first one!

I am sure of this 
He who began a good work in you 
will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

Not what I'd hoped for.

I went back for another ultrasound (if only it was the type where they rubbed cold bloop on my belly) and blood work last Wednesday to check on my estrogen level and the maturity of my eggs. I had one fully mature egg, but sadly my estrogen wasn't at the level they wanted it to be. So, no trigger shot again this month. This doesn't necessarily mean that I can't get pregnant this month, but was looking forward to trying something new in hopes of getting my hormones where they need to be. I was pretty bummed - but I know that if the Lord's plan is for me to get pregnant this month that some measly little shot isn't going to impact that. If this month isn't a part of His plan then I will wait and continue to praise Him. But for now- another 2 week wait. I am scheduled for more blood work this Friday to check my Progesterone to be able to tell if and how well I ovulated. Praying specifically that my progesterone will be where it needs to be!

After your season of suffering,

God in all His grace

will restore, confirm,

strengthen and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10

Giving Him the Glory

Over the past year and a half God has been working in my life. Not only has He been working in my life but my husband's as well. Through all of our waiting God has been restoring our relationship with Him and even though we will never be able to fully understand the magnitude of our creator and His will, I know that this has all been a part of His plan. I was raised in church and grew up around the stories of Jesus. I was baptized at a young age, but just didn't fully understand the decision I had made. I was involved in youth group at our church and attended many trips. My husband attended church occasionally growing up but wasn't raised around the word of God as much as I was. He was also baptized at a young age, not understanding the reason or meaning behind it. I have always known about Jesus and believed in Him, but I have never surrendered my life over to Him and trusted Him completely until recently. I have lived for this world and myself. Have we suffered? Yes. But, I think God has allowed our suffering so that we would be in complete dependence on Him. Jesus wants us focused on Him, not ourselves. We know that if God were to have given us a child right away, our relationship with Him wouldn't be what it is now. So for that aspect, we are grateful for this journey. This Sunday the hubs and I will be baptized in our church. Praising our father in heaven for the security of knowing that my true love on this earth will join me in eternity one day!!

Yesterday we went for another doctor's appointment to check my estrogen level and to see if my follicles were maturing eggs correctly and to see if it was almost time for me to ovulate, so I could take the trigger shot. I had three eggs that were close to being completely mature, but just wasn't quite ready yet. My estrogen was also low - only in the 100's. For a good ovulation cycle they want my estrogen to be above 300, so they wanted to give my eggs a couple more days to mature. I will go back again tomorrow for another ultrasound to check my eggs and blood test to check my estrogen. Praying specifically that all three of those eggs are completely matured and ready for ovulation and that my estrogen rises to the level it needs to be in order to administer the trigger shot.


The steadfast love of the 
Lord never ceases
his mercies
never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
Great Is Your Faithfulness

Isaiah 40:31

New Year and Fresh Starts

2016 has officially began and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us! We pray everyday that our baby will come soon, so we are hoping that 2016 will be our year. After miscarrying in December I had to wait until my next cycle begins to start anything medication related. What a long and hard month it was! I never thought I would say this, but I am so ready to get started with my Clomid again! My cycle should start this week, so in a sense I feel like I have a fresh start with this new year. So, bring on all of the hot flashes and craziness that Clomid will bring. I'm ready for ya!

In the shame and silence

I have really struggled these past few weeks. Sometimes I feel like I can't catch my breath and I am just suffocating in my despair. I have hit rock bottom. I have rolled around in my hurt and pain long enough. I can't survive this way. I am a person that loves control, but I simply can not control this or anything really. "I surrender it all to you Jesus. Take my hurt and pain away and fill my heart with joy and hope again!" I can't tell you how many times I have prayed these words these last few days, and slowly but surely I have begun to feel better. I know that God has a plan for all of this and me, and that I am just going to have to trust him. Infertility has a way of making you feel shameful, and that shame can take over especially in the silence of this  infertile world. In fact, if I could define infertility (despite the obvious of having trouble with getting pregnant) I could define it in those two words alone; silent and shameful. I feel the devil takes over in these areas. The devil sows seeds smack dab in the middle of your hurt and tries to make us despise our creator and Savior. We must be ready and know who has our back! Jesus will fight for us!



Psalm 34:4-7

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me
He freed me from all my fears.
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrenders
and defends all who fear him.


"His love roared louder than her demons."

"God wouldn't have allowed it unless He had a purpose.
Don't just go through it ----- GROW through it!"

I recently came across this blog post and it describes so many of my feelings and emotions perfectly. Hope this helps you too!

From Dreaming of Dimples:


This Christmas I preached through the Christmas story as told by Luke. For all the times I’ve read the story, I’ve never noticed this small line hidden in the middle of the Christmas narrative. But this year was different. This year, that small, innocent line refused to go unnoticed and forced me to see it.
After Elizabeth became pregnant with John, she praised God saying, “The Lord has done this for me,” she said. “In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people.”
We know that disgrace. My wife knows that disgrace. I know that disgrace.
Infertility.
No, it isn’t the same type of disgrace that Elizabeth experienced. In that day, an inability to bear children was equated with sin. It was assumed that the reason for barrenness was your own doing. You must have done something. You must have something to repent of. Some sin you committed. Some reason God was withholding his blessing from you.
You.
You created the problem by your disobedience, and now God is punishing you.
Thankfully, the shame of disapproving eyes and rumored gossip doesn’t surround infertility in America anymore. But shame still exists.
Shame grows with constant thermometer readings. Peeing on countless sticks. Needles. Probes. Tiny plastic cups. Forever counting days. Sex that feels mechanical and forced because “It’s time.”
Shame slips in with the silent words spoken as another, month pregnant only with hope, passes by. It is amazing how much silence surrounds the struggle of infertility. The silence of not wanting to talk about it. The silence of wanting to talk about, but being scared. The silence of trying to avoid the one thing you are wondering about, but not wanting to focus on it, and yet having your mind dominated by it. The silence of not feeling comfortable talking with others about it because it involves sex. The silence because you just don’t want to deal with the questions.
That silence gives shame all the voice it needs to whisper silently, “Something is wrong with you.”
Infertility is a shame-filled, silent trial, isolating couples in closed bedrooms of pain.
As a man, the pain of infertility is difficult to talk about it. While my wife and I walked through our experiences together, she felt the pain of not being able to conceive more acutely than I did. Pregnancy was failing to take place in her body. Even though the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with either of us, she was the one scheduling the monthly ultrasounds. She was the one taking medications. She was the one physically being reminded every 28 days of the failure to conceive. The pain was much closer and much more tangible for her. And all I could do was stand back and watch. I felt hopeless. Unable to do what I normally do when situations aren’t what I want them to be: fix it.
We stood in the kitchen having the same discussion we’ve had every month. The sadness was making Sarah cry and I stood there helpless. I hugged her, but I couldn’t do anything else. I couldn’t fix this. This was out of my control.
Helplessness is not a feeling I do well with.
As I held my crying wife, I didn’t cry, but quietly grieved and pulling back from hope. The grieving brought on by infertility is different than other grief I have experienced because you do not grieve what was lost, but what never was. At some point you start grieving for what never will be.
Men don’t talk often about infertility. My guess is that, if we started the conversations, a lot of guys would feel helpless. When people dream of starting their family, no one sees years of disappointment and frustration as part of the process. No, when we dream of starting our family it is a nice and tidy schedule. “First we will go off birth control, then in 3-6 months we will get pregnant.” Wouldn’t that be nice?
Instead those struggling with infertility find themselves dealing with resignation, bitterness, anger and exhaustion.
Exhaustion from fighting to hold on to hope.
Infertility is a brutal cycle that steps on hands gripping hope. The cycle begins each month with hope only to be followed by disappointment.
Hope.
False alarm.
Hope.
Discouragement.
Hope.
Frustration.
Hope.
Shame.
Hope.
Despair.
At any point in this cycle you are constantly reminded of what you cannot do by running into countless pregnant women in the grocery story, at church, or at the gym.
Church is a good place to find support, but it isn’t always a tower of refuge. The American church is one place in our culture where marriage and kids is an expectation. Singles are constantly met with questions about when they will get married, and unnecessarily pitied or prayed for when a potential spouse isn’t in the picture. Young married’s are bombarded about when they will start having kids, as if their marriage doesn’t really matter until a child validates it.
Around church, having kids is talked about as if it is like scheduling a tune-up for your car. “Isn’t it time the two of you start having kids?” is one of the most painful questions a couple dealing with infertility can hear. Because thats exactly how they feel! It is time for them to start having kids. They’ve been hoping and praying and wanting and waiting for a long time for God to respond to their request. So yes, it is time, but no, kids don’t show up on a time table.
My wife and I struggled for 14 months before we surprisingly found ourselves expecting our now 3 year-old son. We were literally starting to have all the testing done the next month when my wife woke me up with the news that she was pregnant.
So many couples never wake up to that news.
It’s now been over two years that we have tried for another child. Two years and an ectopic pregnancy that we had to end. I’m not writing because my wife and I have discovered some secret to living with infertility. I don’t think there is any. I’m not writing because I have some great pastoral wisdom to help comfort those who are struggling with infertility. In fact, I don’t even know how to end this post. All I have is this:
You are not alone. Your struggle may be in silence, but you are not alone.
I don’t have a magic Bible verse of comfort, or prayer of peace, or words of wisdom, or any answers.
I only have “me too.” Us too. We know. We understand. And we mourn with you.

So may we, together, accept that there is nothing wrong with us and see we are simply sharing in the human experience – which is simultaneously beautiful and painful, disheartening and hopeful.

So may we, together, accept that there is nothing wrong with us and see we are simply sharing in the human experience – which is simultaneously beautiful and painful, disheartening and hopeful.

http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2014/01/the-disgrace-of-infertility.html?m=1

Keeping Hope

It's been a little while since I've posted but I didn't know quite how I would respond to this ache in my heart without sounding so bitter.

Where to start? Well this past month has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions for me and it feels like I may never get off this ride. On December 8th, I got my first BFP (big fat positive)! I have taken so many tests over the last 15 months that I honestly didn't even think I would get a positive this time. But.. there it was and I just couldn't believe it. I can't even fully describe to you what I felt in that moment, but it was mostly disbelief. I know the pregnancy test says positive (I had taken two) but does that REALLY mean that I am pregnant? The first thing I did was call my nurse and she sent me for blood work that afternoon. I then called my friend(also my boss) not just because I needed to make sure I could leave work but also because if I was going to tell anyone before my husband it would be her. I needed to tell someone so I wouldn't feel so crazy! I then had to figure out how I was going to tell my husband! I was so anxious/excited/nervous to tell him. That night I had him open a early "Christmas present" with a card, book and onesie inside that said "#Best Christmas Ever". We were both so excited, but deep inside I was calm. I didn't want to get too excited before I heard back from my blood work. The next day I heard from my nurse and my HCG was at 45 and my progesterone was at 6.4, which is really low. She said we couldn't really tell if this was a viable pregnancy yet until we took more blood work on Monday to see if my HCG was rising. So I just tried to keep a positive mindset.
On Friday night, my happiness and joy turned into anger/sadness/guilt all in an instant, when I began bleeding. I just knew. On Saturday, I took another pregnancy test and it was negative. I knew then that I had had a miscarriage. I think that whole weekend my husband and I was in a zombie state. So many emotions in such a short time. I felt like I had just played the most horrible joke on the one person that I love the most. I felt so guilty. I couldn't understand why God would let this happen. Why after so long of waiting to get pregnant and then this one end like it did? I don't think my human mind will ever totally understand. BUT- even through all of my hurting and waiting I know that we still serve a faithful and loving God. I just need to keep HOPING and praying for our little baby everyday, and we do. We pray for a little miracle every single day. This journey has brought us closer to Jesus and has made our faith so much stronger, so we will hold our hope in Him.

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." -Psalm 33:20–22

"When are ya'll going to have a baby?"

"When are ya'll going to have a baby?"

Ohhhh, so that's what happens after marriage? We must have forgot! <insert sarcasm>

I can't tell you how much I despise this question. I hate it. I fear it.

Only some close friends even know that we have had babies on the brain for the last 16 months or so. We are very hesitant about who we let in on our "secret" of  ttc. We haven't told any of our family. Infertility is not something that people talk about casually. It's a tough subject, especially for the couple in their season of waiting. Why? Because pity comes sneaking in and the gossip starts. If our family did know, they would always be on the edge of their seats for that pregnancy news, which means more guilt each passing month for us. There would be no surprises of a baby. So, people without knowing our situation ask us 30 times a day about babies. What do you say? I feel like each time I answer that question they can see the lie across my forehead. I want to scream WE ARE TRYING! Medications. Shots. Procedures. All of it. We are trying! But I can't.

People that have had no trouble having kids may see nothing wrong with that question, but with me- it makes me want to crawl in a hole. Just stop with all of the personal questions already!








Rant from a girl on Clomid. :)