Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Keeping Hope

It's been a little while since I've posted but I didn't know quite how I would respond to this ache in my heart without sounding so bitter.

Where to start? Well this past month has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions for me and it feels like I may never get off this ride. On December 8th, I got my first BFP (big fat positive)! I have taken so many tests over the last 15 months that I honestly didn't even think I would get a positive this time. But.. there it was and I just couldn't believe it. I can't even fully describe to you what I felt in that moment, but it was mostly disbelief. I know the pregnancy test says positive (I had taken two) but does that REALLY mean that I am pregnant? The first thing I did was call my nurse and she sent me for blood work that afternoon. I then called my friend(also my boss) not just because I needed to make sure I could leave work but also because if I was going to tell anyone before my husband it would be her. I needed to tell someone so I wouldn't feel so crazy! I then had to figure out how I was going to tell my husband! I was so anxious/excited/nervous to tell him. That night I had him open a early "Christmas present" with a card, book and onesie inside that said "#Best Christmas Ever". We were both so excited, but deep inside I was calm. I didn't want to get too excited before I heard back from my blood work. The next day I heard from my nurse and my HCG was at 45 and my progesterone was at 6.4, which is really low. She said we couldn't really tell if this was a viable pregnancy yet until we took more blood work on Monday to see if my HCG was rising. So I just tried to keep a positive mindset.
On Friday night, my happiness and joy turned into anger/sadness/guilt all in an instant, when I began bleeding. I just knew. On Saturday, I took another pregnancy test and it was negative. I knew then that I had had a miscarriage. I think that whole weekend my husband and I was in a zombie state. So many emotions in such a short time. I felt like I had just played the most horrible joke on the one person that I love the most. I felt so guilty. I couldn't understand why God would let this happen. Why after so long of waiting to get pregnant and then this one end like it did? I don't think my human mind will ever totally understand. BUT- even through all of my hurting and waiting I know that we still serve a faithful and loving God. I just need to keep HOPING and praying for our little baby everyday, and we do. We pray for a little miracle every single day. This journey has brought us closer to Jesus and has made our faith so much stronger, so we will hold our hope in Him.

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." -Psalm 33:20–22

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