The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17

The past couple of weeks have been a nightmare to say the least. I went for my first official OB appointment that I wrote about in my last post and we got the news that no one wants to hear. Our baby's heart beat had stopped and that little peanut that we had already began to love in just the 4 short weeks that we had known of its existence had stopped growing. I was in shock. Even though I had tried to prepare for the worst at first, that was something that I just wasn't expecting that day. I just couldn't wrap my head around the whole situation. I am still just numb to the core. I had a D&C this past Thursday and so Mother's Day weekend couldn't have been anymore worse for me. The doctor's said that this is more common than people realize, its just not talked about. They think it was some chromosomal issue that occurred at conception. Even though they told me that they don't see this being a recurring problem for me in the future, the thought of going through this again scares me to death. I honestly don't have the words to explain all of the thoughts that have been circulating in my head these past couple of weeks. We don't understand why these things happen, and I don't know that we ever will. We still pray for our take home baby every day. I pray for God to heal my broken spirit and just fill my heart with peace and trust that His plan is much greater than anything I could have planned for myself.

A sweet friend sent this poem to me a couple of months ago. So very true. "He maketh no mistake."

HE ANSWERED!

The Lord has heard my cry and has answered the deepest desire of my heart! We are expecting our first miracle baby in December!!! We have only told family and close friends of our news, so we're letting you in our our best kept secret.. I have written all about our journey through longing and pain, and now I thought you who have followed our journey from our darkest day should know of the joy from our happiest and the fears I have faced since finding out. Also, in hopes that our journey would give other couples hope for the future. There is hope! Our God has a plan!

We get so used to this roller coaster ride that when something good happens, you feel like there is a train coming right around the corner to knock the breath out of you. This time around there was no special surprise for my husband, there was just a test and tears. I will never forget that day. For three weeks I went in for blood work to make sure my levels were continuing to rise and each time I just knew that I was going to get a dreadful call about how my levels were too low. Each and every time I got the call it was GOOD news for a change which is something we grow unaccustomed to in the infertility world. There were tears of joy and happiness after each of those calls. I have to admit that the first few weeks I was just trying to prepare myself for whatever bad was going to come. The nurse had scheduled my first ultrasound and I think I was more nervous than excited. The day before my first appointment came and I just couldn't stop crying that night from just being scared of what was to come. I was afraid. Even though the Lord tells us many MANY times in the bible.."Do not be afraid....Do not fear...." I was. I prayed so hard that night. I prayed for peace. I prayed for whatever was going to happen the next day that the Lord just prepare me and to let me know that He is still in control. I probably even prayed in my sleep that night. The next morning on our way to Birmingham, I felt good! I was at peace and I was excited....until we got there. When I get really nervous or upset I always start to shiver. I was so cold..but I wasn't. When my nurse said, "It's ok, you can relax everything looks great!" The tears came. And came and came. I probably cried during my whole appointment. We got to see our little peanut for the first time! Oh what joy! We also were able to see and hear that little heartbeat. Praise Jesus for a heartbeat!!!! I look up at my husband when that little sound came over the speakers and saw the tears streaming down his face as well. Oh, I can't describe to you that moment. I will be 8 weeks tomorrow and go back for my first actual OB appointment on Thursday. Please keep us in your prayers and pray that we have a safe pregnancy and for a healthy and strong baby come December.

 I have prayed for all of you women that long to be mothers! You will get that moment too! Your time is coming!! Praise God that He is faithful!

Have Your Way!

Life has kept me busy these past couple of weeks and I haven't been able to post. My first IUI and fourth round of Clomid was unsuccessful. :(  I began my 5th round of Clomid a little over a week ago, my hubby gave me the trigger shot last night (This was his first time administering it, so it was pretty comical.), and I will have my 2nd IUI in the morning. I am trying so hard not to stress this time around, and so far I am doing much better. We are going on 2 years of trying to have our first baby, so its hard to keep it all from consuming my thoughts. One thing I know for sure is our children will know how much they were prayed for and wanted. I go into, what will hopefully be our future nursery to pray every single morning. I pray for many things, but most importantly I pray for our future babies and that we would be the parents that God will call us to be. As I was getting ready for work this morning a song came on my Pandora, that truly touched me. I have prayed for our baby for so long, and I've begged God to intervene so many times to PLEASE make me a mother and for the hurt that I've been feeling to go away. I know that our God has a perfect plan for our lives, and this song made me think of things in a new way. I need to trust God with where i am right now in my life, this place of waiting and pray that God have HIS way- not mine.

Have Your Way

By: Britt Nicole

Feels like I've been here forever

Why can't You just intervene?

Do You see the tears keep falling?

And I'm falling apart at the seams

But You never said the road would be easy

But You said that You would never leave

And You never promised that this life wasn't hard

But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

When my friends and my family have left me

And I feel so ashamed and so cold

Remind me You take the broken things

And turn them into beautiful

So I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

Even if my dreams have died

And even if I don't survive

I'll still worship You with all my life

My life, yeah

And I'll stop searching for the answers

I'll stop praying for an escape

And I'll trust You God with where I am

And believe that You will have Your way

Just have Your way, just have Your way

I know You will, I won't forget

You love me, have Your way

Finally some good news!

Another cycle began last week. I had a doctor's appointment to check for cysts before I could begin another round of Clomid. No cysts, praise Jesus!! I also started my 4th round of Clomid last week. I was given the option of doing an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) this month IF my hormones acted accordingly. This gave me much hope!! I went for my ultrasound and estrogen check yesterday, and I have 2 mature follicles!! My nurse then called last night with my estrogen results- 256!!! Yay!! My estrogen has improved tremendously just since last month. After having my trigger shot on hand for months and not being able to use it, I finally was able to use the trigger shot last night!! And the best good news? I will go in for my IUI tomorrow morning!!!! I know that God is continuing to work in my body and everything has been up to par this month and I'm so thankful! Hoping and praying tomorrow will be my only IUI, and I'll get pregnant with this first one!

I am sure of this 
He who began a good work in you 
will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

Not what I'd hoped for.

I went back for another ultrasound (if only it was the type where they rubbed cold bloop on my belly) and blood work last Wednesday to check on my estrogen level and the maturity of my eggs. I had one fully mature egg, but sadly my estrogen wasn't at the level they wanted it to be. So, no trigger shot again this month. This doesn't necessarily mean that I can't get pregnant this month, but was looking forward to trying something new in hopes of getting my hormones where they need to be. I was pretty bummed - but I know that if the Lord's plan is for me to get pregnant this month that some measly little shot isn't going to impact that. If this month isn't a part of His plan then I will wait and continue to praise Him. But for now- another 2 week wait. I am scheduled for more blood work this Friday to check my Progesterone to be able to tell if and how well I ovulated. Praying specifically that my progesterone will be where it needs to be!

After your season of suffering,

God in all His grace

will restore, confirm,

strengthen and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10

Giving Him the Glory

Over the past year and a half God has been working in my life. Not only has He been working in my life but my husband's as well. Through all of our waiting God has been restoring our relationship with Him and even though we will never be able to fully understand the magnitude of our creator and His will, I know that this has all been a part of His plan. I was raised in church and grew up around the stories of Jesus. I was baptized at a young age, but just didn't fully understand the decision I had made. I was involved in youth group at our church and attended many trips. My husband attended church occasionally growing up but wasn't raised around the word of God as much as I was. He was also baptized at a young age, not understanding the reason or meaning behind it. I have always known about Jesus and believed in Him, but I have never surrendered my life over to Him and trusted Him completely until recently. I have lived for this world and myself. Have we suffered? Yes. But, I think God has allowed our suffering so that we would be in complete dependence on Him. Jesus wants us focused on Him, not ourselves. We know that if God were to have given us a child right away, our relationship with Him wouldn't be what it is now. So for that aspect, we are grateful for this journey. This Sunday the hubs and I will be baptized in our church. Praising our father in heaven for the security of knowing that my true love on this earth will join me in eternity one day!!

Yesterday we went for another doctor's appointment to check my estrogen level and to see if my follicles were maturing eggs correctly and to see if it was almost time for me to ovulate, so I could take the trigger shot. I had three eggs that were close to being completely mature, but just wasn't quite ready yet. My estrogen was also low - only in the 100's. For a good ovulation cycle they want my estrogen to be above 300, so they wanted to give my eggs a couple more days to mature. I will go back again tomorrow for another ultrasound to check my eggs and blood test to check my estrogen. Praying specifically that all three of those eggs are completely matured and ready for ovulation and that my estrogen rises to the level it needs to be in order to administer the trigger shot.


The steadfast love of the 
Lord never ceases
his mercies
never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
Great Is Your Faithfulness

Isaiah 40:31

New Year and Fresh Starts

2016 has officially began and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us! We pray everyday that our baby will come soon, so we are hoping that 2016 will be our year. After miscarrying in December I had to wait until my next cycle begins to start anything medication related. What a long and hard month it was! I never thought I would say this, but I am so ready to get started with my Clomid again! My cycle should start this week, so in a sense I feel like I have a fresh start with this new year. So, bring on all of the hot flashes and craziness that Clomid will bring. I'm ready for ya!